Flirting With Fear: The Emotion That Just Won’t Move Out

Why “Flirting With Fear” Is Really About Respecting Its Role

In one of my many therapist trainings (yes, I take a lot of classes), an instructor once declared:
“Fear cannot live in a mentally healthy body and mind.”

Hmm. Okay. Cute quote. But also… not quite right.

Fear isn’t an intruder. Fear is a roommate. Sometimes a little loud, occasionally messy, often misunderstood—but very much part of the original lease on being human.

It’s primal. Ancient. It kept your ancestors alive when they were being hunted by saber-toothed tigers.
It’s also the reason you flinch when footsteps echo behind you in a dark parking lot.

So no, we can’t evict fear entirely. And we shouldn’t try.
The trouble starts when fear redecorates your nervous system in early Halloween, installs a 24/7 panic hotline in your head, and insists on flooring the gas even when there’s no actual danger.

When Fear Overstays Its Role

Rational fear is protective. It helps you respond to real threats.
Irrational fear, on the other hand, is like a smoke detector that screams every time you toast a bagel.

It might sound like:

• Constantly bracing for rejection
• Rehearsing worst-case scenarios before a date
• Worrying so much about “what ifs” that you stop living in the “right now”

According to Verywell Mind, fear becomes irrational when it triggers the body’s stress response in the absence of real danger—often shaped by trauma, conditioning, or chronic anxiety. In other words, it’s not that something’s wrong with you. It’s that your brain and body are trying too hard to protect you.

How Flirting With Fear Can Actually Help

Instead of bullying fear with “just think positive” mantras, what if you got curious?

Ask it:

• What are you trying to protect me from?
• Is this fear new or ancient?
• Do I need this feeling right now—or is it just an echo?

This is the essence of flirting with fear—staying close enough to listen without letting it take over.

When you take this approach, you can begin to tell the difference between insight and alarmism. As described in this study on fear and relationship behavior, unexamined fear often leads people to settle, withdraw, or brace for pain that never arrives.

Mark Twain captured it perfectly:
“I have known a great many troubles, most of which never happened.”

You Don’t Have to Get Rid of Fear—Just Reframe It

Flirting with fear isn’t about ignoring it. It’s about knowing when to pause, when to thank it for its concern, and when to say:
“You don’t get to drive today.”

This is the kind of work I do with clients every day—blending trauma-informed tools like EMDR, somatic inquiry, and nervous system regulation to help you reclaim your presence.

If fear has been micromanaging your choices, I’d love to help you take back the driver’s seat.

This is your permission slip to be curious—not perfect.