When Caring Too Much Starts to Hurt
In 2016, Yale psychologist Paul Bloom published a book with a bold title: Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion.
A lot of people were shocked. Empathy—the thing we’re told makes us human—was suddenly being questioned.
But Bloom wasn’t saying “don’t care.” What he was really saying was: “Be careful how you care.”
As a coach and hypnotherapist, that idea hit home for me. Because I’ve seen how caring too much—without clear emotional boundaries—can lead to stress, burnout, and emotional overwhelm.
That’s why empathy and emotional boundaries matter more than ever.
What’s the Problem with Too Much Empathy?
Most people think empathy is just about being kind. But let’s take a closer look.
Merriam-Webster defines empathy as “experiencing the feelings of another.” That means actually feeling someone else’s pain as if it were your own.
Sounds noble, right?
But Bloom makes a good point: empathy, especially without boundaries, can cloud our judgment and leave us emotionally drained. In a Vox interview, he said, “Empathy is like a spotlight—it zooms in on one person, but leaves everything else in the dark.”
That spotlight can blind us—and wear us out.
Why Emotional Boundaries Are So Important
If you work with people, support loved ones, or just tend to be the “emotional sponge” in your circle, you probably know what I mean.
Without boundaries, empathy can lead to:
- Constant emotional fatigue
- Feeling responsible for everyone’s pain
- Trouble making clear decisions
- Forgetting your own needs
This kind of emotional exhaustion doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your empathy needs some structure and protection.
How to Care Without Getting Pulled Under
Here’s the truth: you don’t need less empathy. You need better empathy—the kind that’s rooted in presence, not pain.
What helps? Boundaries. Self-awareness. And sometimes, a shift from empathy to compassion.
BetterUp explains the difference well:
- Empathy says: “I feel your pain. It’s now my pain.”
- Compassion says: “I see your pain. I’m here to help.”
Compassion is caring with clarity. Empathy is caring without guardrails.
So, What’s the Right Balance?
You don’t have to shut down emotionally to stay safe. But it helps to learn the difference between healthy empathy and emotional over-identification.
Here’s what empathy with emotional boundaries looks like:
- You listen without taking everything on
- You care without carrying
- You hold space—but also hold yourself steady
This is what I teach in my work. It’s not about detachment. It’s about staying grounded and clear while showing up with love.
A Better Way to Care
Paul Bloom started the conversation. Now it’s our turn to carry it forward—with more clarity, compassion, and courage.
Whether you’re a therapist, coach, parent, or friend, you can care deeply without losing yourself in the process.
Want Help Navigating This?
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by other people’s emotions, there’s another way.
Book your discovery session here and learn how to care from a place of strength, not exhaustion.